of Age and innocence....
I find myself in a odd place theses days.
I am trying to hold onto my youth and my duaghter is trying to evolve from her youth.
She wants to dress "pretty" which unfortunately also often equates to "sexy". She just turned 11. I find I have become the fashion police. Too short, too high cut, too LOW cut, too tight, too loose, too see through are all phrases I have uttered in an effort to retrain some sort of innocence in her wardrobe. Admitedly, some of the outfits I vetoed I wish I could have worn for the very reason she was not allowed to wear them.
Today her doctor expressed concerns about her very femine style. She wants to nix the long earrings. (really?) and the lipstick. Admittedly she did walk into the office with a coco red lipstick but usually is restriced to glosses with little or no color. She just happened to use the color I was wearing today.
I am in the process of re evaluating my own sexuality. I find as I get older I want to experience a wider range of what is stimulating. I think about what sex means to me and my relationship. Is it really the sex I want? or is it the intimacy? How much is enough? or too much? What is fair in a loving and supportive relationship? Am I still desireable? Are my expectations realistic? Does this dress make my ass look fat or does the cleavage offset the wide backside? What is next?
Sexual thoughts dominate my conciousness. Its my favorite topic of discussion. I have more fantasies in a day then I can count. At one point, early in my life, these thoughts were more closely associated with loyality and passion and fairytale happy-ever-after-endings. I used to expect that my Prince would color my world rosy. Today I understand that is more like a rainbow we paint together. Now I find my fantasys are more of a physical thing. Did that come with confidence or age or both? How do I help her realize sex does not equate love and a person must love themselves before loving someone else? How do I ease her into adulthood with a healthy and balanced perspective of sexuality when I feel so out of kilter myself?
I watched her play today. Not with kids her age, but with kids in the 3 to 8 year old range. I couldnt help but choke up knowing these are the probably the last days of her playing just for fun, unaware of the wider world. Today she is still a child, tomorrow a woman.
I am trying to hold onto my youth and my duaghter is trying to evolve from her youth.
She wants to dress "pretty" which unfortunately also often equates to "sexy". She just turned 11. I find I have become the fashion police. Too short, too high cut, too LOW cut, too tight, too loose, too see through are all phrases I have uttered in an effort to retrain some sort of innocence in her wardrobe. Admitedly, some of the outfits I vetoed I wish I could have worn for the very reason she was not allowed to wear them.
Today her doctor expressed concerns about her very femine style. She wants to nix the long earrings. (really?) and the lipstick. Admittedly she did walk into the office with a coco red lipstick but usually is restriced to glosses with little or no color. She just happened to use the color I was wearing today.
I am in the process of re evaluating my own sexuality. I find as I get older I want to experience a wider range of what is stimulating. I think about what sex means to me and my relationship. Is it really the sex I want? or is it the intimacy? How much is enough? or too much? What is fair in a loving and supportive relationship? Am I still desireable? Are my expectations realistic? Does this dress make my ass look fat or does the cleavage offset the wide backside? What is next?
Sexual thoughts dominate my conciousness. Its my favorite topic of discussion. I have more fantasies in a day then I can count. At one point, early in my life, these thoughts were more closely associated with loyality and passion and fairytale happy-ever-after-endings. I used to expect that my Prince would color my world rosy. Today I understand that is more like a rainbow we paint together. Now I find my fantasys are more of a physical thing. Did that come with confidence or age or both? How do I help her realize sex does not equate love and a person must love themselves before loving someone else? How do I ease her into adulthood with a healthy and balanced perspective of sexuality when I feel so out of kilter myself?
I watched her play today. Not with kids her age, but with kids in the 3 to 8 year old range. I couldnt help but choke up knowing these are the probably the last days of her playing just for fun, unaware of the wider world. Today she is still a child, tomorrow a woman.
posted by Mrs.ZigZagMan | 2:45 PM
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